Clairine

The phrase is "Kupasrah menyahut kasih meskipun parah dibayangi impian". I wonder how this phrase applies to me. Sometimes I really don’t know if what I am doing is right. Why should I follow my heart when I can always do the correct and sensible thing? If following my heart will cause hurt to people, is my own happiness really worth all that? I know what I am doing is wrong… but is it really wrong? I feel like I am living in a dream, in a castle upon the clouds. I feel disregard for anyone else’s feelings, all in the pursuit of my own happiness and what I believe to be… what my heart desires.

On another note, sometimes I feel like I am trapped. I really wonder if actuarial science is something I should study. I don’t know why I still feel like there is a part of my life that is missing, that I somehow haven’t managed to figure out yet. A part of my heart is screaming, ‘No, this isn’t what you want!!’ but what is the price that I have to pay for happiness? Coming from a very traditional Chinese family, happiness and success is measured in terms of how well my exam results are, how good a degree I get, how much my job pays me… but what is the worth of my life? Is all I am going to end up with a secure life? With little happiness and almost no desire to pursue what I love and enjoy?

I feel stressed out thinking about this. I don’t know if I am making the right decision or not but there is no turning back now. It is the way that I was brought up, and it is the way that I am. I have no choice but to continue on this path. I know that my parents only want what is best for me. I cannot blame their good intentions. But sometimes I really feel so trapped, like I am in a prison of some sort. If I even try to mention wanting to study another major, my dad goes into this sort of firey lecture. I know that it is expensive to send me to US to study. I even feel like giving the whole thing up. I don’t want my parents to spend so much money on me. But I can’t. I have no choice. And this is where I will be heading. A future in a major that I do not love.

Under wither trees, under silent moon
Weightless like a breeze I will see you soon
Lonely slave of death, tired exhausted grin
Shadow is myself and emptiness - my Queen
So can you see again coldly shining swords
Can you hear the pain and hangman’s final words?
So, guide me in the dark
And bless me with your sword
And death will be a luck
In this disgusting world
So, walk with me along
My sweet nocturnal realm
And sing a fatal song
Of Shadow and its Dream

Just got back from Chinese New Year holidays. I am having a very severe, severe holiday hangover!!! I don’t even want to think about all the things I have to do when I get back to college. In fact, I just want to stay in my room in Kajang forever and ever. But this is not realistic of me. And as a "mature" and "responsible" student, I have to… remind myself that… the holidays are over. In order to be a person with "discipline"!!! I shall attend to my duties.

Things that I have to do:

1. University applications (I really cannot procrastinate this)
2. Clean my room (I will probably do this… next month)
3. Do my laundry (tmrw morning!! tmrw morning)
4. A letter to SPCA (compassion project for college)
5. Semester Report, Semester Proposal (club business)
6. INTIMAG, INTIMALINK (omg…………..)
7. Notice Board (even more omg………………)
8. Study for econs test on Wednesday (will study on Tuesday night)
9. Do accounting assignment due on Tuesday (will do on Monday night)
10. Study for calculus test on Friday (erhhh… this one cannot last minute)
11. Do calculus homework (damn those quadric surfaces)
12. Lesson plan for Sunday School (Saturday night???)

Wish me luck!!! I’m already feeling the pain. 12 things to do within 7 days. Actually it’s 11. Cos cleaning my room is not counted since I’m not planning on doing it until next month. Heheheheh.