Chasing love in the shadow of a dream
The phrase is "Kupasrah menyahut kasih meskipun parah dibayangi impian". I wonder how this phrase applies to me. Sometimes I really don’t know if what I am doing is right. Why should I follow my heart when I can always do the correct and sensible thing? If following my heart will cause hurt to people, is my own happiness really worth all that? I know what I am doing is wrong… but is it really wrong? I feel like I am living in a dream, in a castle upon the clouds. I feel disregard for anyone else’s feelings, all in the pursuit of my own happiness and what I believe to be… what my heart desires.
On another note, sometimes I feel like I am trapped. I really wonder if actuarial science is something I should study. I don’t know why I still feel like there is a part of my life that is missing, that I somehow haven’t managed to figure out yet. A part of my heart is screaming, ‘No, this isn’t what you want!!’ but what is the price that I have to pay for happiness? Coming from a very traditional Chinese family, happiness and success is measured in terms of how well my exam results are, how good a degree I get, how much my job pays me… but what is the worth of my life? Is all I am going to end up with a secure life? With little happiness and almost no desire to pursue what I love and enjoy?
I feel stressed out thinking about this. I don’t know if I am making the right decision or not but there is no turning back now. It is the way that I was brought up, and it is the way that I am. I have no choice but to continue on this path. I know that my parents only want what is best for me. I cannot blame their good intentions. But sometimes I really feel so trapped, like I am in a prison of some sort. If I even try to mention wanting to study another major, my dad goes into this sort of firey lecture. I know that it is expensive to send me to US to study. I even feel like giving the whole thing up. I don’t want my parents to spend so much money on me. But I can’t. I have no choice. And this is where I will be heading. A future in a major that I do not love.
Under wither trees, under silent moon
Weightless like a breeze I will see you soon
Lonely slave of death, tired exhausted grin
Shadow is myself and emptiness - my Queen
So can you see again coldly shining swords
Can you hear the pain and hangman’s final words?
So, guide me in the dark
And bless me with your sword
And death will be a luck
In this disgusting world
So, walk with me along
My sweet nocturnal realm
And sing a fatal song
Of Shadow and its Dream
February 11th, 2006 at 8:29 am
actuarial science… u are doin it for urself, or someone else??
this blog sound so sad wei…. dont suit u la!
February 11th, 2006 at 11:38 am
dun think i haf the rights 2 give any comment coz u noe i dun really noe u n of coz i’m not a very faithful person nor am i sum1 smart… can’t think of wat 2 tell u… u sound sad n i dun lyk my fren being sad… =p… anything dat i wrote is from the heart i hope coz i am not thinkin… clairine(dun usually call u wit ur name so dunno hw 2 call u) everything u does in ur life is because u r goin wit the flow it might b sumtin u wanna do or sumtin u dun wanna do but u noe u hafta do it… if it’s sumtin u dun wanna do take it as a responsibility or take it as an experience.. ask ur heart wat u wan(i didn’t manage 2 do dis haha) dun think 2 much… the more u think the more complicated u wil get it 2… n yes i do understand wat u mean by u live in a traditional chinese family which every single thing u do counts look at it dis way ur family is tryin 2 give u all the best they can, they might not understand wat u wan but appreciate wat they give… b sincere 2 urself dun live the person u dun wan 2 b coz it might b 2 late when u realise n regret being there… b urself in every single situation.. i dun feel lyk putting God in wat i am tryin 2 say coz i guess it’s 2 common u wil think lyk wat am i thinkin 2(u jz think 2 much)… there is alot more in life den money… n moeny might jz b the lowest thing u cud ever wish 4 in life… dun look at life sumtin so torturing, life is sumtin great… look at all the frenz u haf besides u… ur family who always support u… ur loved ones… basically every1 around u hope the best from u… try lookin at the world around u from a different view…. dun change who u r coz u r u b urself, u noe u can always change who u goin 2 b in the future… love wat u do n b happy wit the outcome coz u did ur best… i noe it’s hard 2 get up after a fall or 2 smile when u r sad but it’s not wrong 2 try… remember the time when u r happy 4get all the sadness u had take the failure as a lesson n improve from wat u learn… stop running if u can’t seem 2 reach where u wan 2 b start walkin n c hw many wonders u might miss if u continue running… i dun really think u understand wat i mean coz i dun think i understand it myself… live life a lil simple not 2 complicated n take life easier u wil understand wat dis 4 letter word which consist of the alphabet LIFE means… they r billions of ppl out there but only 1 u… they r millions of different mindset out there but all aiming at 1 direction which every single person is tryin 2 figure out wat it is… every1 try their best 2 find out wat they wan in life but ended up realising they r livin in dat life they always wanted it 2 b… live ur life 2 the fullest… dun care bout 2morrow coz u nvr noe hw 2morrow goin 2 b… guess dat’s all i cud type… =) take care kay… wil always b around if u need sum1 when no1 is around… take care… spend more time wit ur frenz n love one… life is lyk a puzzle u hafta put it piece by piece b4 u c the big picture dun rush coz if u do u might did a mistake n ur big picture won’t b perfect…
February 11th, 2006 at 10:32 pm
Hey gurl.. U sound so stressed out.. hmm.. U’ll be fine soon.. Some stuff aren’t worth worrying abt and in ur case, u’r smart and everythin.. you’re a survivor claire.. you can do it. be successful and same time being happy.. Everyone’s proud of u and we know u could do it.. Don’t stress out too much yea.. U’ll be fine..
February 12th, 2006 at 6:10 am
eh.. i thought you`ve always like add maths
don`t worry la.. learn to like what ur learning 
it might be the best and only option 