Clairine

Blogging would be so much easier for me if only I had an Internet connection at my house in Subang. I could blog every day, maybe twice, or even thrice a day, every day of the week, every week of the year. It would be fantastic, I could have accumulated thousands of entries by now. It would be a blog phenomena in my life. I could even get my blog published. (Alright enough of crap)

This is just SO like me. To blame things on things that I can control, but choose not to control. I have a lot of things on my mind right now, things that I put on hold temporarily due to my lovely finals. Thank you, INTI, for all that you have done to me, for all that you have put me through, for all the torture you have caused me, thank you for making me suffer so damnfreakingmuch for my finals this time around. Thank you for putting me in quarantine because I had an exam clash, even though I reported it twice, it still wasn’t changed. And because of you, INTI, within the 48 hours prior to my quarantine day, I slept for only 6 hours, and on the quarantine day itself, had exams for 7 hours straight without having any lunch. I nearly vomitted, I would have collapsed, dear INTI, if it weren’t for the fact that……

Someone took me out for dinner on that night, to Asian Heritage Restaurant, CoChine. So I couldn’t collapse. So that I could have a nice lovely dinner. And thank you, for taking me out. It was the thought of having a nice lovely dinner that kept me going through the three weeks of unbearable stress. Thank you for footing the bill, even though I offered to pay half. Thank you for taking away all of my stress. And thank you for deboning that delicious fish for me. I’m no good with fish.

Am I just this serial heart-breaker? What do I get for breaking people’s hearts, and then breaking my own in the process? My mother says that I do this because I am afraid of commitment. But am I really? I want commitment. I get it, and I throw it away. I’m jealous of the kind of strong loving lasting relationship that one of my friends has, for four years, how does something like that last? And why can’t I do it? And I can’t wonder why people don’t understand me, when I don’t even understand myself. Why is it that I like to throw good things away, and perpetually chase after something that I don’t even know? You people out there who JUDGE me, why do you judge what I do? So what if I am like this? Do you think I like being this way? Do you think I enjoy it? I feel like I’m in this ferris wheel that just keeps turning and turning, one moment I’m on top, the next moment I’m at the bottom, but the problem is it never stops because I have no control over it. What I want, I can’t get; what I have, I don’t appreciate; and what appreciates me, I throw away. Right now my heart is… in the words of yet another friend… "Hancur until no more debu"

What devastation is this? How sure am I that I want to study actuarial science? It’s the boring-est major in the world. It’s the boring-est career that you could ever find. I want to study something exciting, something interesting. I want to study liberal arts. Why do people in Malaysia look down on the liberal arts field? They have this general perception that liberal arts is the "last-choice" major. Students who aren’t smart enough to do anything else (such as the unfailingly respected engineering, pure science, and mathematical majors) or the "sensible" majors (accounting, finance, commerce). But I know what I want to do. I want to study liberal arts. I want to analyse poetry for a living. I want to learn journalism. I want to travel and write about things that I see. I don’t want to spend the next ten years of my life studying for actuarial papers and the next thirty working nine-to-five in a stuffy office. I get so much stress out of this major, I wonder what it is for? Is it really worth it? I can’t get rich - I won’t be poor either - but I’d rather poor and happy with what I do, than not rich and unhappy with what I do. I study obsessively, madly, ridiculously hard for calculus, I wonder what for? Why do I do this? I’d much rather be reading novels and writing stories…

On the outside it looks like nothing is wrong - but you can’t see the storm that rages inside me.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 19th, 2006 at 1:49 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.