Clairine

How is it that I can feel so good and so bad at the same time? I don’t really understand it. It’s a weird mix. Either I feel really good and a little bit bad, or I feel really bad and a little bit good, or I feel really either good or bad. But right now I’m feeling so incredibly good and also so incredibly bad.

Reasons for feeling good
1. My interview went well. I believe I did my best. I actually did better than I expected myself to do, which is generally a good thing.
2. My parents are so nice to me today. My mum even took the extra effort to make a really nice dinner for me with all my favorite foods.
3. I’m so blessed to have people who truly care so much about me, support me, encourage me, show me so much kindness and concern, be so proud of me, help me, give me confidence, and cherish me… I’m truly blessed.

Reasons for feeling bad
1. I just realized that 1/3 of the semester is gone and I haven’t studied any of my subjects yet, I have not a clue what is going on and I have to write an informative speech about a topic yet-to-be-determined and hand it in this Thursday (which is tomorrow - and I haven’t even got my topic yet), and get started on my law assignment (also no clue whatsoever).
2. Neglected my club duties! Crap. All the work is piling up and I feel so overwhelmed. This is a major stress for me.
3. Can’t seem to make up my freaking mind about whether or not to take the actuarial prep course that INTI is offering (I have to decide latest by this Friday, and that’s already stretching the deadline to the maximum).

Plus, my throat hurts. I think I might be falling sick again. But I don’t want to list that down since it kind of looks nice having 3 good things and 3 bad things. So, that’s my day. A mixture of good and bad in equivalent quantities.

You’ve got to be kidding me, I said.

When Bank Negara Malaysia called me last Thursday to ask me to attend an interview on Tuesday, 30/5.

No, I didn’t actually say that, ha ha. But I was rather surprised. I thought that I hadn’t even been shortlisted. Matter of fact, the application’s closing date was 30 March, I only submitted my application at 10.30pm on the night of the 29th! I was even worried about it not getting through. Hmm. Looks like I was lucky after all.

The truth is, I’m scared shitless. I really am. I’m writing this blog entry at 6pm and in less than 12 hours I’ll have to get up again and leave my house to be interviewd by God-knows-who and be asked God-knows-what questions. My dad was so enthusiastic about it that he actually went out to get me a whole big book on the 9th Malaysia Plan. What do I know about the 9th Malaysia Plan?!? Mengurangkan jurang pendapatan? Membangunkan kawasan terpendam? Are those still plans? I have no freaking idea.

Scared shitless, that’s what I am. Wish me luck.

Scene I
Parents getting ready to attend a wedding dinner at a hotel. Mum knocks on Clairine’s door.
Mum: I want you to give your brother tuition. 3 hours. Make sure he doesn’t play any computer games.
Clairine: What… are you kidding me…
Mum: I’ll pay you if you want. Just do it!
Clairine: I’m not giving him tuition!
Brother: She’s not giving me tuition!
Clairine: He doesn’t need tuition.
Brother: 您不觉我自己会读 meh?
Mum (to Clairine): Just teach him, ok? Bye.
Mum leaves the room

Scene 2
Clairine brought her brother out to buy dinner from McDonald’s. They both went home and sat at the table eating the Chicken McPorridge (or whatever it is called). Clairine is suddenly filled with sisterly responsibility and feels like she doesn’t know her brother because she rarely talks to him.
Clairine: 您要喝什么?
Brother: Anything.
Clairine: I make Ribena, ok?
Brother: Whatever.
Clairine makes Ribena and sits down again.
Clairine: So, how is the porridge?
Brother: Ok la.
Both eat the Chicken McPorridge quietly.
Clairine: So, how is school?
Brother: Ok la.
Clairine: Which is your favorite subject?
Brother: 我不知道
Clairine: Why you dunno?
Brother: Cos I dunno la.
Both continue eating porridge in silence
Clairine: So, do you have any best friends?
Brother: Ya.
Clairine: How many best friends do you have?
Brother: Five.
Clairine: So you always hang out with them? Recess? Sit together in class?
Brother: (shrugs)
Clairine: What do you do with them?
Brother: Dunno.
Clairine: Do you have a girlfriend?
Brother stops eating and stares at Clairine.
Clairine: Ok ok nevermind. Forget it. So, how do you like Math?
Brother: It’s ok.
Clairine: What about English?
Brother: Ok also.
Clairine: How are your teachers? Good?
Brother: Ok la.
Clairine: Why everything also you answer ok wan???
Brother: Cos everything is OK laaa!!!
Both continue eating in silence. Clairine wonders in silence whether she has failed as a sister. Finally her brother gets up and says he is done. Then he proceeds upstairs.

Scene 3
After two hours in his room, Clairine’s brother comes out. He is sick of studying Form 1 Geography. Clairine is watching the tv.
Brother: 姐姐, I want to play my computer game.
Clairine: Finish studying first.
Brother: I will take a century to finish studying this!
Clairine: Your midterm is this Thursday, you’d better study now.
Brother: I don’t want to study anymore tonight.
Clairine: Why do you always play that stupid game?
Brother: 我喜欢 la.
Clairine continues watching the tv in frustration.

-The End-

It’s never easy to lose something that was once precious.

Many things have happened, both happy and hurtful. I wonder if in another life, in another situation, in another place, could it have worked?

But it is not up to me to wonder. Too many things have changed, nothing will be the same anymore. It is my turn to hurt.

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion’s gone away
And I don’t need no carryin’ on

These are in no particular order. They are my favorite love stories of all time. I could rewatch all of these in one day if I had time. Just sit down with a bottle of whip cream and fresh strawberries and orange juice. I’ll be in heaven.

The Notebook

Starring: Ryan Gosling (Noah), Rachel McAdams (Allie)

Why I love it: Because it is such a great portrayal of true and everlasting love, the setting of the story, how crazy Noah is for Allie, how he keeps his promises to her, how romantic and passionate they both are, the situation that tears them apart and how good-looking the both of them are.

Tristan and Isolde

Starring: James Franco (Tristan), Sophia Myles (Isolde)

Why I love it: My first reason is James Franco is damn hot. My second reason is James Franco is damn hot. And my third reason is James Franco is damn hot. Ha ha. Ok be serious. This movie is also very touching, and I love the passion and excitement in their forbidden affair.

The Phantom of the Opera

Starring: Emmy Rossum (Christine), Gerard Butler (The Phantom)

Why I love it: I love the costumes… the setting… the music… Emmy Rossum is very pretty and sweet, and the Phantom is so deep and sexy. I love it that he is so obsessed with her and madly in love with her and yet lets her go, which is a true testament of love, because he doesn’t want to be selfish.

Titanic

Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio (Jack), Kate Winslet (Rose)

Why I love it: Same reason. I love the costumes, the lifestyle, the portrayal of different levels of society, the romance, the passion… especially when he was drawing her. That was really romantic.

A Walk to Remember

Starring: Shane West (Landon), Mandy Moore (Jamie)

Why I love it: I think it’s so sweet that he tried to do all those things for her to make the last few years of her life as happy as possible. I love it that he learned how to dance and got a star named after her and how he married her as soon as possible in order to make her happy. I just think it’s all really sweet and touching.