Clairine

My room is so incredibly messy…

It’s really, really, really so so so messy…

I dunno what to do with this horrendously messy room!

I’m just too lazy to clean it…

I guess I’m just too lazy in general. In general, I am a lazy person.

I don’t know why I just can’t get myself to get up and MOVE and CLEAN up my room.

Ugh…

I don’t know if I have what it takes. At least I don’t think I do. I really, really, really don’t think I have what it takes…

Perhaps I’m aiming too high too soon. It’s too soon to say what the future will be like. And I am aiming too high for something that I might not even be able to achieve.

Don’t really know when I became this way. I would honestly like to say that I care more about knowledge than I do about grades… but in fact, do I? I don’t know when I started to become this way… like a… robot.

Am I making the right decision? I don’t know either. I am afraid it might not be the right decision. But I cannot change my mind now, it’s too late.

My past is coming back to haunt me. How do I forget things that I’d rather not remember? I wonder if there is a way to do some hypnosis so that I can be hypnotized into believing nothing of the like really happened. Wouldn’t that be nice. I wish I could do that.

When I look back on the past 19 years of my life, I realize that I’ve truly done a lot A LOT A LOT of stupid things. It’s unbelievable, really. The amount of STUPID things I’ve done. I want to forget. I want to forget. I want to forget I want to forget I want to forget -

But I can’t. Sometimes I really wish I wasn’t such an idiot back then. If only my more sensible, rational self now could go back in time to advise my insensible, irrational self back then.

I wonder where my soul mate is. Where are you, can you please come out and meet me? I find that it is too painful and time-consuming to keep looking for you.

Sometimes life can be really painful in the sense that the person you feel would never, ever let you down, actually does let you down. It can hurt immensely when that happens. And in order to block out the pain, you force yourself to forget it.

Where do all the lost memories go?

My life has direction - oh does it ever have direction - so why do I feel that it is so directionless? Why am I never contented with what I have? Why am I always questioning the way my life is headed for, the direction that it’s taking… the path that I guess, I’ve chosen to take? Why why why -

You. Can you please STOP calling me. Every single bloody night you call me. It’s f*cking irritating. When I don’t answer the phone, get it through your head that I’m just NOT INTERESTED in speaking to you.

I suppose I do have a lot to be thankful for though. I have a great family (albeit dysfunctional at times), a very comfortable life, a very stable background, a very strong religion (although I’m not as devoted to it as I wish I could be), a very "direction-ful" life, talent, health, and decent looks. I am grateful, I AM.

I’m not nearly as happy as I should be, though…

I’m getting fat. Ugh. Cellulite and I can’t wear my size 26 levi’s anymore and I doubt I have the confidence to wear short skirts either. And I’m all of 19 man! I can’t be like a cow now. Imagine how I’ll look like when I’m 29! or 39! or 49! horrors

New year’s resolution. ACTUALLY exercise. And cut down on sweet foods. To save my teeth from just rotting inside my mouth.

I haven’t read a book in so long.

I really used to just love reading. Like, I really adored reading. I still do, I think. But not as much as I did before. I remember I could finish 3 books a day, on average I’d read about 100-120 books a month. serious. But I have stopped reading like that for many years now.

I’d like to start reading again.

Hmmm.

This has been a mindless rant and if you actually took time to read it I really congratulate you.

My room is so messy.

I’d better go clean it now.

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 2nd, 2006 at 7:53 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.