Clairine

Today I feel quite cheered up. Found out that I’ve been accepted to two of the three universities that I applied to last month, the University of Wisconsin-Madison and the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. The third one, the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor, is still pending. Thank you, Lord. I now realize how unfounded and baseless my paranoia for the past one month has been. I need to have more faith in myself, in my religion, in life in general…

I find that I am a very complicated mixture of very simple things. I had such high self-confidence two months ago in deciding to apply to only 3 universities. Then after I sent in all my applications (a very time-consuming and tiring, irritating process), I started to become worried that I might not be accepted into any one of them, then I’d be stuck in Malaysia until next August and started regretting that I did not apply to more universities.

This actually reflects how neurotic I am because every time I feel confident in myself and openly express my own confidence in the state of things, right after that I feel weak and powerless, like I won’t succeed in anything and will fail miserably in the thing that I had such confidence in at the beginning. So, is it true self-confidence that I have? Or just a manifestation of it?

Take for example, my severe last-minute behavior. I really hate this "quality" in me. I really don’t mean to boast, but I can do last-minute work very very very well. But I hate myself for it, because what do I get out of it? I want to be consistent, I want to be more disciplined, I want to stop all this maladaptive behavior and start being more responsible dammit. But I can’t seem to change myself. Because each time I do last-minute work somehow things always turn out okay. Things are always, always, always, okay in the end. This is obscene overconfidence on my part. Trust me I know I will regret this in the future.

*****

Parents are asking me which university I want to go to. I didn’t really want to bother about this question previously because I didn’t want to choose a university that I might not be accepted into. Stupid thought, right? But it reflects another part of my personality. I prefer to think negative thoughts, so that I won’t be too upset if I fail, but I will be pleasantly surprised if I succeed. I don’t really know when I started having this mentality.

Perhaps it was during PMR… or SPM. Damn those government exams. I believe that the PMR should be scrapped because it does no good to anyone and is a useless waste of time, money, paper, and pencils. I believe that form 4 and form 5 can be fused into a single year to maximise efficiency, and lower and upper six should be made compulsory. Also, the freaking SPM should have a ceiling to the amount of subjects one can take because it seems that every year someone or other is trying to break the record for the most number of A1’s and get his/her name into the useless Malaysian Book of Records.

What have I learned from the SPM?

That government exams are useless and there is no point in stressing yourself out over it. If you don’t get straight A’s your life is not over. If you do get straight A’s don’t think you are smart because the only thing that string of A’s tells people is that you can study.

My entire life can change in a moment. One year ago I was looking at the websites of those universities mentioned above, thinking ‘how nice it would be if I could attend these universities… but they are way too expensive… my parents would have to pay from their noses to send me to this place…’ and then settling for a cheaper alternative, Drake University. If I hadn’t applied for that scholarship in March, and if I hadn’t been shortlisted for that interview in May, and if I hadn’t been notified in July that I had been successful… I would be in Drake right now. And my life would be taking a totally and completely different path.

Now, a year later, I find that my dream has been fulfilled. I get the chance to go to those expensive universities. And my parents don’t have to pay anything at all. I felt bad about that, in the beginning, when I told my parents that I wanted to study in the States. I really felt bad that they would have to pay so much for me to go there. Which brings me to another issue…

What have I learned about scholarships?

That life doesn’t begin and end with the JPA (Public Services Department). Your life is not over if you are rejected for a JPA scholarship. Neither are you useless, stupid, a failure, or all three. There is more to life than the JPA. Those who whine to the newspapers about how many A1’s they got and how many co-cu activities they participated in and yada yada but still didn’t get the JPA scholarship need to stop because it is sickening to read about it year after year in the papers. Get a life and look for other options. You tried your best, now move on.

But I find that achieving one dream will come at the expense of another dream. There is always a counter for everything that you gain. In order to keep your life in balance, since there are no perfect choices, you have to sacrifice one dream to pursue the other. I visualized myself building a life in the U.S. after I graduated, but now that I have to come back to Malaysia to work for 4 years after graduation, I find that dream has detached itself from the tangled web that is my mind and drifted away, leaving only shards that torment my heart.

I think what is most important is having a clear-cut goal in your mind. To help keep things in perspective, you know? To make sure that you don’t run off track, and to steady your mind when it begins to sway the other way. Certain times I look at my textbooks and I ask myself ‘why am I doing this?’ and I feel like dousing my books with petrol and lighting them up then dancing around a huge bonfire of textbooks. But often I just scream a bit, talk a bit to myself, curse a bit, then continue studying. So I do this thing that helps me concentrate on what I am doing. I write down my goal on a sheet of paper, and paste that paper in front of my study table. To remind myself why I am doing what I am doing.

Because I always forget. It’s so easy to lose track along the way.

*****

I want to build a wall around my heart. A huge, big, tall, strong, triple-mortar-layered extra-fortified brick, stone, steel, and cement wall around my heart.

That would be nice, wouldn’t it. Then I wouldn’t have a heart of stone per se, just a heart surrounded by stone.

But one thing about trying to build a wall around your heart is that only you can build that wall, and the process of building it hurts, there will be cuts on your hands, sweat will blind your eyes and blood will run down your fingers, while you lay each stone, each layer, each brick, and as you try to seal the wall up, you might be attacked by a great number of unprecedented circumstances.

Caught up in the whirlwind of time,
in this particular moment,
when it is so quiet
I can hear the sound of the air,
when every movement is so delicate
that it pierces the skin,
when even the darkness
begins to hurt the senses…

Everything falls away like the crumbling of a great mountain and there are no barriers, no dividers, no restrictions, no rules, no consequences, no… reality… Nothing, except for the peaceful beat of the heart… a reminder that inherently everyone is human. Where there is passion, there will be pain. Each part of my life is like a canvas that is being white washed over and over again. And at the end of the day, the world comes rushing back like a bull on fire, attacking the calm serenity that was there before.

I hate myself for wanting things that I know I will never………. be able to have.

………. For wishing that things were different.

Today was the last day of classes. I felt rather neutral about it. Got up around 9.15 am but remained in a fetal position until 9.30 am when I finally dragged myself from my bed to my bathroom to wash up. Stood in front of my wardrobe for an overlong time thinking about what to wear. Blew dry my hair and made my face look presentable then stuffed everything I thought I might need for the day into my old, worn-out, but still very useable Deuter bag and walked out the door. Walked along the road while looking at the ground to make sure I don’t step in dog/cat poo, and keeping my ears open for motorcyclists coming up behind me because I’m paranoid like that. Braced myself for the wall of smoke that is perpetually next to the water machine in front of IDP Australia. Past the many cars, past the guardhouse, past the concourse, and to my class.

I don’t know if I place any sentimental value on INTI… although I am very grateful to this college for giving me 100% tuition fee waiver without expecting anything from me other than good grades. I took 67 credit hours at INTI, and another 6 uncounted credit hours for LAN subjects. Since one credit hour is RM300, and 3 LAN credits is RM300, INTI has technically given me RM20700 over the past 6 semesters I have been there. Thank you, INTI. I really appreciate it.

Semester 1

• ANT101 (Cultural Anthropology) - Had that memorable field trip to Kuala Selangor with a group of classmates for the assignment. This was the class that brought Rei and I together. Ms. Lim gave us an opportunity on the first day of class to "choose our fate" when choosing group partners. In the end she chose it for us by somehow putting us both in the same group. I will always remember Ms. Lim for her occasional neurotic behavior but friendly demeanor.
• ENL101 (English I) - Extremely fun class… I loved this class and I hated it at the same time. I remember one of the assignments had my group instructing the class on how to put on makeup. I was the reluctant model. I screwed up the coursework so badly in this class. I think I got a 41/60 but by some miracle managed to get an A- for this class. This class was a wake-up call, sort of - ‘your English is not as good as you think it is’.
• MAT132 (Calculus I) - Mr. Sam slapped us all in the face with reality, I think. He walked in to the classroom full of fresh SPM school-leavers, mostly, and asked questions like "what is 0 times infinity? what is infinity divided by infinity? what is zero to the power of zero? what is the derivative of x to the power of x to the power of x?". He gave us all questions that had no answers, watched us suffer trying to figure out the solution to those seemingly solveable but in actuality unsolveable questions then after all our egos have been successfully humiliated, informed us that "there is no solution". He made us factor… oh… equations to the ninth or tenth power. Thanks, Mr. Sam. Your class prepared me the best for what I was to face in college.
• BIO121 (Biology I) - My A in this class was not deserved. Truthfully I think I got the A only because the lecturer was so so so… so. LENIENT. Can’t blame Mr. Teoh though, he was just a new part-time lecturer at the time. Very young for a lecturer and kinda good-looking. Too bad he left after just one sem… hmmm I wonder why? *too lenient perhaps*
• LAN I (Malaysian Studies) - I am so thankful I took this class immediately after SPM when all the Sejarah was still in my head because I totally did not study for this class at all but still managed to scrape by with an A. If I had taken this any sem other than my first sem I doubt I would have been able to get through it without studying at all.

Semester 2

• MAT133 (Calculus II) - One word: Ouch. Packed with an insane amount of integration, infinity-questions and those damn tests of convergence/divergence. Another word: Ouch. Looking back at my notes, I wonder how I ever managed to get past this course. Ms. Shanta was a really nice and good lecturer, though. Will always remember how her nail polish always seemed to match her outfit for the day.
• ECO151 (Microeconomics) - Can’t remember jack about this class other than supply and demand graphs and opportunity cost.
• CHM107 (Chemistry) - Hated this class for some reason. Hated the classroom this class was held in. Hated the daily, mind you, not even weekly, but daily quizzes. But the lecturer was really nice, a truly nice man. And I only regret that I was not a better student for him.
• HIS251 (U.S. History I) - I absolutely despised this class. I visualized Dr. Borges as a walking, talking, sleeping pill. I couldn’t care less about the Alien-Sedition Acts, whether Thomas Jefferson was a hypocrite, or why the Boston Tea Party happened. I had to continuously drink water to keep myself awake. I gave him a really bad evaluation. All C’s, if I remember correctly. Read on to know why I felt so bad about it a year later.

Semester 3

• ACC201 (Accounts I) - First thing I thought when I saw Ms. Chou was ‘aunty’. She wore the exact blouses my grandmother would normally wear, wore two enormous jade earrings in her ears every day, and wore her hair in a low and short pony-tail. Not a very memorable class but I do remember how we all would go out for half-hour breaks at the canteen collectively so she wouldn’t be able to start class. To give her some credit, she is a nice person, and she did try to make sure we understood at least some of the basic material.
• ART105 (Art) - We did fauvism in this class. "Bright, strong, crazy brush strokes!" would be shouted at us all throughout the class. Mr. Badaruddin… the cutest old guy. Insisted we meet him outside of class a minimum of 7 times in a semester. And since it was a short semester, I foudn myself meeting him pretty much every week. This class was a piece of cake. I didn’t even need to be good in art to get the A+.

Semester 4

• MAT232 (Calculus III) - Dr. Chan was one of the BEST lecturers I ever had in INTI. Very effective, efficient, excellent teaching. When I entered her class, I was thinking to myself, ‘if only all lecturers in the world could be this good, the world would be a much nicer place’. The advice she gave me, personal and academic, and the care that she showered on all her students just really impressed and astounded me. Way beyond my expectations… I loved this class because of the lecturer.
• STA219 (Statistics) - If I describe Cal II in one word, I can describe Stats in one word too: Boring. I can’t say I liked this class, but I think it was mostly because of the lecturer. The stuff I had to study was interesting to me. The way I had to study it was insanely boring though.
• ACC202 (Accounts II) - Not much to say about this, pretty much the same comments as ACC201 except that I nearly vomitted on the day I had to take the final exam for this course, because I tried to study the last three chapters on Cost-Volume Profit, Budget Analysis, and Budgetary Accounting all within a night. I don’t remember a single damn thing about this course anymore except for stock and corporate accounting, because that’s the most interesting part of it.
• ECO152 (Macroeconomics) - Ms. J (name censored to protect the stupid innocent), I humbly present to you the award of ‘Worst Lecturer in the World’ or at least in my world and in my life. I should have dropped this subject within the second week of classes, but my innate faith in the goodness of man made me think that you might actually be suffering from beginning-of-the-semester blues and might actually not really be this lazy/dumb/irresponsible/unreasonable/lousy/callous/stupid/irritating/insert-negative-adjective-here all the time. You proved me wrong. I hated every single second of this class because you were teaching it and because of the way you taught it. It was a torture to make myself sit down and listen to you speak, because 90% of the time you were just talking shit, the other 10% of the time you tried to talk about macroeconomics it all didn’t make sense to anyone. I do not wish anyone to suffer what I suffered for 15 weeks in your class. It is the best possible form of slow-moving mental torture.

Semester 5

• ENL102 (English II) - Fun class, thanks to Cheryl and Kellie who made it not boring, and Ms. Kamala who is absolutely the sweetest lecturer around… I regret that I slept through half of the semester and was absent for about a fourth of the classes… cos Ms. Kamala you are really a great lecturer. But the assignments were boring. I would have preferred a more creative writing kind of class. Oh well, wasn’t her fault. It’s just a pre-req that I have to take to prove that I can write college-level research papers.
• COM110 (Public Speaking) - Can’t say I had much fun in this class. Just sort of got through it somehow.
• HIS252 (U.S. History II) - I loved Dr. Borges in this class. On the first day itself I walked in about 45 minutes late and he welcomed me by saying ‘Good morning, Miss Tardy’. I learned to appreciate his eccentric behavior of locking the classroom doors 3 minutes after class is supposed to commence. I started to really enjoy his dry sense of humor and the way he told stories or enacted scenes in the class. I learned a lot from him in this class. Maybe it was all there a year ago when I took History I, but I was too immature to notice it…? Anyway, I really really really enjoyed this class and all the wisdom he imparted. I got to know more about current events and politics and all other issues other than history. I gave him an excellent evaluation… mostly A’s this time. History II I have to say was a piece of cake for me, compared to History I. The 20% I earned for the pop quizzes was effortless, the 15% that I earned for the trial was close to effortless. The remaining 25% that I earned for the midterm was with effort, but very last-minute effort at that. You have to take History I first to fully appreciate how easy History II is.
• LAW301 (Business Law I) - This was a mindblowingly difficult subject. Ms. Vijaya, great lecturer, very friendly, very funny, and thanks for not making the class as shit boring as the textbook. Good luck to future students taking this subject, and I respect all lawyers from here on out for the rest of my life. *Salutes all the law students*
• LAN II (Moral Studies) - Oh don’t even get me started on this subject. I didn’t study for this either. The lecturer was too selamba about everything, including attendance, and I just slept and skipped my way through this subject. What a pure waste of time and energy.

Semester 6

• MAT242 (Differential Equations) - Took this subject for fun, much to the astonishment of many of my classmates and friends. ‘Who takes D.E. for freaking fun??!’. Ahem. As one of only 4 girls in a class of about 30 guys… I just felt bored at first, but it brought me closer to Wan Qi as a friend. If it wasn’t for her, I think I would have died of inactiveness in that class. And I still don’t know what Laplace is for.
• PSY105 (Psychology) - I took this subject because of Ms. Khor. She is another truly excellent lecturer. She just knows how to apply real-world knowledge with textbook knowledge, and tells us such cute and fascinating stories about life in general and her own life that we just can’t get bored in the class. I really really enjoyed this class because of the way she taught it, she made it so fun and interesting for us to learn and taught us in a way that was not too rigid but still managed to fulfil the syllabus requirements. I regret that I’ve been bitten by the final-sem-bug and it showed in my laziness with this subject… sorry, Ms. Khor. I still remember the 6 hours Chong Yih and I spent in Starbucks the day before the assignment was due, and the mad frantic rush we made the morning of the due date. And we still managed to get… hahaha…… quite an undeserved, by my own admission, amount of marks for the assignment… Only Chong Yih and perhaps Eugene can understand this… haha.

*****

If I try to recount all the memories I have in INTI… it will take a long time. Let’s try a random list of things for the moment:

On the first day of classes I couldn’t find Room 307. Which is quite dumb because college is so small and it’s pretty obvious that the first number is the floor that the room is on.

To date I think I’ve given the library RM40, seriously, in late fines. The librarians all know me as the girl who can never return her books on time.

I attended the Dean’s List ceremony three times until I got bored and slept at home during the 4th ceremony I was invited to. The food is always the same. Teh tarik, curry puffs, fried mee hoon, and kuih.

I nearly missed my ENL101 exam in the first semester because I thought the paper was from 4-7 when it was actually from 12-3 so thank goodness Wern How called me to ask me a question about the essay at 11 am an graciously informed me of my great mistake in time.

College Day 2005 was memorable because I dressed up in a clown-looking all-red sequinny oufit and marched a very gung-ho type of march and won the challenge trophy together with my team mates.

College Day 2006 was memorable because of the debate competition which was the worst I had ever been to in my life, but in a way the best because of the close friendships I gained during the competition… with Kish, Eugene, and the debaters from INTI Sarawak. I remember the 13 freaking hours we all spent in INTI Nilai. At the beginning of the day I was saying ‘I wonder why I didn’t come to study in this campus instead’. At the end of the day I was saying ‘Now I know why I didn’t come to study here’. Bwahaha. Ulu secluded place out in the middle of nowhere. Thank goodness for Subang Jaya.

This Indian guard who always smiles and wishes me hello whenever he sees me. I do the same thing back but til now I still don’t know his name…

I slept on the couch in the AUP Office once in my first sem and was reprimanded by Ms. Leen for it… Embarrassing.

Uncle Chong’s cafe was slightly better before it became a monopoly. I still remember, kind of, the old canteen before it was renovated. It’s a distant memory now but I still remember it somewhat. And the uncle and his wife who made the noodles. I was intrigued and at the same time disgusted by the way he made the noodles. He’d pour the soup into a tub then dip the noodles into it and then pour the soup into the drain next to the stove. Never seen anyone make noodles that way.

Torturous 4-hour weekend classes with Mr. Lai for 12 weeks. I don’t want to dwell on this painful memory.

I remember I used to like using the office toilet in my first and second sems at INTI and pretending I was a visitor if I got caught using it… since the other toilet meant for students was so far away. From my third sem onwards I just stopped using it anymore, dunno why. Guess I just got used to the student toilets.

I like looking out on the third floor in between classes at the kids playing in the playground at the nearby Sri KL.

I guess that is all the memories for now. I’m too tired to think of any more. There are a lot more, but I’m just too tired now. Maybe I’ll write more another day.

What am I doing.

What am I doing.

What am I doing.

I have a psych presentation on Monday and the 15-pg assignment due on Wednesday before 10 am.

What am I doing.

I haven’t started anything.

I have a Differential Equations test on Monday.

I still haven’t finished studying for it.

I hate Wronskian.

What am I doing.

What am I doing.

What am I doing.

I just downloaded these three songs:
1. Guns n Roses - November Rain
2. Delta Goodrem - Butterfly
3. Hinder - Lips of an Angel

I’m blogging.

I can’t control my mind…!

*sigh*

Focus. Concentrate. Focus.

Why does my mind keep wandering to…………………………….

What am I getting myself into…………………………….

*sigh*

Hmmm. A few things about me.

Material Loves

1. Nearly every shade of purple. But I also like soft pastels.
2. Sleeping when it is raining.
3. Caramel. With nearly anything.
4. White food. Vanilla cake. Vanilla pudding. Vanilla ice cream. White choc.
5. Kitten heels. I hardly feel comfortable in high heels.
6. Ribbons. Lace. Silk. Sequins. Glitter. Crystals. Diamonds.
7. Historical movies.
8. Huge blooming roses.
9. Baby bunnies.
10. Grey skies, no rain.

Dislikes

1. Radio static.
2. Steel cutleries scraping on other steel things/cutleries.
3. Clothes with brands/words largely printed on it.
4. Cats.
5. Early morning rain.
6. Coffee. But I drink it to stay awake.
7. Soft toys as presents. Generally.
8. Any kind of shelled seafood excluding crabs.
9. Too much repeated cursing.

Dream guy

1. Quiet and softspoken but in a manly way.
2. Doesn’t talk rubbish but thinks well before saying what’s on his mind.
3. Firm decision-maker.
4. Simple and clean attire. Stylish types are not my taste.
5. Good sense of ethics.
6. Good in studies and streetwise. No hardcore nerds please.
7. I’ve always wanted to marry an architect, lol. It’s a funny notion.

Things I’m good at

1. Buying nice cheap stuff.
2. Burning the midnight oil.
3. Doing household chores.
4. Making caramel pudding.
5. Writing.
6. Controlling shopping desires.

Things I’m bad at

1. Most sports.
2. Being in a serious relationship. I’m commitment-phobic.
3. Being on time. It’s horrible. I really need to change this.
4. Drinking.
5. Dancing. Basically clubbing in general.

Things I really wish I was good at

1. The piano.
2. The Mandarin language.
3. Consistent studying.
4. Being in a serious relationship.

Things that I miss

1. Being cuddled by someone I love.
2. My childhood.
3. The time to really enjoy a good novel.

The greatest regrets of my life

1. Being in a relationship when I was not ready for it.
2. Not thinking thoroughly enough when I decided what I wanted to study.

Current great anxiety

1. The results of my U.S. university applications.

What a week.

My greatest enemy is now dead. I didn’t kill him, okay? I’m not that evil.

He just like, died by himself. Good for him.

Anyway.

I managed to clean up my room. The whole works. I swept it, I vaccuumed it, I mopped it thrice, I folded all my clothes in my wardrobe, I ironed all my shirts and hung them up, I color-coordinated my underwear… hueheheheh. I cleaned my study table, my dressing table, my shelf, my bed…

It is a very clean room now I have to say.

Sorry no pictures. You might get too jealous looking at my spick n span room, hahaha. *Joking*

Didn’t study for the SAT. Hmmm. Am I being too relaxed about this? The exam is in two weeks. Just great. I guess I’ll be burning the midnight oil again. I’ve got lots of oil supply, you see. Be always burning it.

On Thursday I went to Midvalley and treated myself to a new outfit. Saje-lah. Anyway here’s a picture of what I bought. A pair of Levi’s and a tank top from Somerset Bay. Emptied my wallet but-who-cares since I’m happy.

After that I went to Carrefour with Shantiya, May Lee, Hiz, and Felina. To buy stuff for a small lil party on Friday night. We bought chicken ribs, chicken wings, and lots of lamb, sausages, mozzie cheese, bbq sauce, and other stuff. Went home later and marinated the chicken and lamb for the next day. Thought of making jelly but… but… aiyo lazy-lah.

After all the marinating was finished, I went to Pan Bakery for a late night supper and I was surprised with a song from JC and Ladu. Very cute. Haha. And a birthday brownie with a candle from Shantiya and May Lee. Thanks babes!

The next day immediately after class I went to Sunway with May Lee to watch The Banquet… yeay! We had to run out of class at 12 noon and run to catch a cab and run to queue for the movie at 12.20 but guess what it didn’t start until 1.10 omg. Stupid TGV was having problems with the film at that time so they stopped it and started it again and again and finally when the screen was ok the soundsystem was messed up. Horrible experience. But I liked the movie. I’m reaaaally into all this Ancient China stuff, especially about the dynasties and royal family. So ostentatious and so captivating. I liked Zhang Ziyi’s clothes. Long flowing bathrobe. And bathing in a bathtub (more like… pond. lake. whatever) full of scented flower petals. Wowwee. But stupid censorship board cut the part where we see her get into the bath.

And and and. Daniel Wu is so handsome.

And and and. That Huang Xiaoming guy is also really good looking. I like. ^-^

Some people told me it was boring, but I still wanted to watch it anyway. And I liked the show. So I guess it was worth watching.

Later that day we had a bbq and small party at the park. Photos are limited because I was so freaking busy running here and there doing stuff so I didn’t have time to take many pictures. It was a joint birthday, mine and May Lee’s (her real birthday was two weeks ago). We had lanterns for light.

Thanks so so so much to Hiz and Felina for managing the bbq pit. They bbq-ed all night long! How nice and sweet. Thanks guys. And thanks to my lovely housemates for helping out here and there with everything. To Kar Ling for sponsoring the Tom Yam fried rice, to Shantiya for arranging for the dessert and cake, and to Felina for helping out with fries. We hung them on trees, heheheh. He grabbed the branches and pulled it down low enough for me to hang the lanterns. Thanks Ferdinand for the flowers. Thanks Ladu for the bbq pit. And thanks to Jason for the football and helping here and there with everything.

Hiz and Felina at the bbq pit. Aren’t they sweet together!

Eh whazzat?

Shantiya was trying to feed me cake. Yummy American Chocolate cake.

And you know what? That’s it. No more pictures. I’m too lazy to edit the rest cos they’re kinda blur. So happy birthday to me and that’s all folks.

Before I conclude this, I’d like to thank Gloria for calling me from Penang, my girlies Leen, Mer, and Jen for calling me all the way from Australia, Alex for calling, Jon for calling from Ipoh. Thanks hunnies. Thanks Trace and Mayn for messaging from Australia. Thanks also to Chirp and Jon Wong for messaging me from Sarawak. And lotsa others who wished me through sms and testimonials. Thanks thanks thanks.

I had a great birthday! It’s great being 19.

Edit: Thanks Kish and Eugene for the book. Thanks Leen for the presents. Thanks Alex and Adelene for the hand-made card. Thanks Mayn for trying to call, and sorry I couldn’t answer when you did.

Cried until my eyes were swollen and red yesterday.

Slept early last night.

Woke up late this morning.

Normally I’d go downstairs and play with my bunnies at this hour, but all I see now is an empty cage where they used to be.

I think I’ll stay away from that part of my house for the time being.

Last night I discussed with Leen on methods of making that evil satanic stupid fucking cat pay for what he did.

I swear I’m going to whack the hell out of that cat if when I get my hands on him.

The scene keeps replaying in my mind. Brownball squealing as he was being carried off by his neck into my neighbour’s yard. I wanted to save him also cannot. Bloody cat was too fast. >.<

I hate cats.

*****

Today I shall do productive things.

I’ll start studying for the SAT. My exam is on Oct 14…. 15th…? I can’t remember. Been procrastinating studying for it. Alah. People who took it said the maths is damn easy but the english is damn hard. I think I should be able to manage.

I’ll clean up my room. Fold up all my clothes. Organize my wardrobe. Color-code my outfits and alphabetize my underwear by brand name.

Just kidding.

I just need to do something to get my mind off yesterday’s incident.

Thinking about changing blog hosts. I was eyeing Blogspot but it doesn’t seem to have very good photo display functions. I dunno. Xanga seems nice but I don’t really like its comments function. MySpace looks complicated. I dunno. Still thinking about it. I really dislike Friendster blogs because of limited functions but I really like the simplicity and user-friendly design.

*****

Stupid TOEFL. It’s a blood-sucking, time-consuming, money-making scam. I sent an international fax requesting 3 additional score reports, and sudahlah they are charging me USD 17.00 per additional score report, they even have the balls to make me wait ten business days/two weeks basically, to start processing my request.

You’d think for USD 17.00 they could send it to the universities 2 weeks after my fax was received.

But no, they have to make me wait another 2 weeks to "process" it and another 2 weeks to mail it. 2 weeks TO mAiL iT!!!!!!!!!!1111

And it’s just a bloody score!

For USD 17.00 x 3.8 = RM 64.60 you’d think they would work faster than that.

And after all that, they said I have to check with the university to see if they’ve received the score report.

What. The. -_-

*****

Okay. Need to clean my room now.

I was looking forward to going home.

I was really really looking very very much forward to going home this weekend.

Last Sunday I took a lot of pictures of Brownball. I took lots and lots of pictures. I wanted to blog about him, how cute he is, and how I love it when he snuggles against me and licks my hand with his little tongue.

He was the reason why I looked forward to going home so incredibly much.

*****

He’s just a little baby. Just two months old. Look at how small he is compared to this little stuffed doggie.

One thing about Brownball is he loves to lick my fingers. My hands. My toes. It’s not a wet lick, it’s a soft and dry one. His little tongue is so comforting to me whenever I hold him and play with him. Here’s a picture of him licking my fingers. I find it rare to find a bunny who will lick you so willingly and kindly all the time. Whenever I just put my hands near him, he immediately licks me. And it’s such a nice feeling… He’s so extremely special to me because of this quality. He’s the first bunny who’s ever licked me in my life.

He’s the same size as a TY beanie baby bear. Don’t they look cute together. Two angels looking at each other. Two soft, furry, cuddly angels.

Here is Brownball posing for the camera on my study table. He is so smart, he doesn’t use my study table as a toilet. He knows when and where is the right place to go. My study table was absolutely clean even after I let him run around on it for one hour.

I love to let Brownball sit in my lap and I will just pet him and stroke his small little head and body for an hour each day, and maybe more. Sometimes he climbs up on my stomach and just falls asleep there. It’s so adorable watching him sleep. A cute little ball of brown fur.

I even placed him in my bundle of soft toys so that he would enjoy the soft feeling of being around them. He just sat there quietly while I took pictures of him, because I thought it was all just so adorable… and it made such a lovely picture.

I let Brownball look at my Differential Equations homework. He looked quite interested at it. Or maybe it was just my green mechanical pencil. Whatever it was, he hopped around on the sheets of paper for a while.

See? My smart little Brownball looks really interested in my D.E. work. Isn’t that so funny… I brought him upstairs to accompany me studying for my D.E. test. And he really cheered me up that time. I wasn’t so bored with him in my arms and hopping around the pages of math.

He even tried to help me. I suppose. I know I’m being dumb. Bunnies don’t do Differential Equations. Hahah. But my little Brownball just hopped over to my calculator and started playing with the keypad.

Brownball even managed to key in a couple of numbers. What a smart little bunny… Just look at the little guy.

After hopping around here and there and trying to help me with D.E, Brownball went back to the little doggie. And tried to lick it, being so friendly and nice.

And here’s one of the first pictures I took of Brownball when I first brought him and Snowbell home. They look so small. Tiny. They could fit in the palm of my hand.

I looked at these pictures over and over throughout the past week, and waiting and waiting for Friday so I could go home and play with my bunnies. One thing I have to mention here is Snowbell developed a kind of ulcer on her chin, so my mum brought her back to the pet store about 3 weeks ago to change her for another bunny. I never got to name the other bunny.

Once I got home today I immediately ran to the cage that kept Brownball and the other bunny and brought him out and held him - I even spoke to him - "Hi, how are you? Did you miss me? Been eating a lot haven’t you? See you’re getting fat now…" then tickle him and put him down again. He then licked my fingers and snuggled next to my legs… like he was trying to tell me he missed me too.

Then I thought, since they’ve been cooped up in the cage for 1 whole week, I should let them run around…

So I brought them downstairs and out to my front yard… let them run around on the grass. They were really happy. I was really happy. Watching them frolick and play and munch on leaves and scampering about and looking at the flowers and playing with the pebbles and as I sat down and watched them, two little baby bunnies, I felt so happy… I felt like, I should take a picture of this… they both look really so so happy…

Thinking about how much I love Brownball, who licks me fondly and gives me the impression that he really does love me. Thinking about how the two bunnies really love to run and hop and jump and how free and joyful they look. Thinking about how long I had waited for Friday just so I could be with my bunnies. Thinking about how much I missed them and was even planning to bring them to Subang with me, because I didn’t want to leave them alone anymore.

*****

It all happened so fast, like a bold streak of lightning. I can only remember seeing this huge black and white cat literally flying across where I was sitting.

Grabbing hold of Brownball.

By the neck.

I could hear Brownball squealing.

I remember chasing the cat.

But like a streak of lightning, the cat just grabbed Brownball and carried my little baby across the wall to my neighbor’s yard. That was the last I saw of Brownball.

Then I saw the other bunny limping and hopping strangely across my lawn.

She managed to hop to a place near the flowers that she had been sniffing so curiously and happily just moments before. And she lay there, eyes blinking slowly.

I stared at the fence where the cat had disappeared with my Brownball.

I stared at the place where the other bunny was resting, breathing slowly.

Then I saw blood pouring out from the side of her neck. Her body shivering.

Then death.

And that is when I started screaming.

*****

As I write this, I’m still in a state of shock. After what happened, I just stood there, screaming and screaming.

I went upstairs, shaking. Washed my face and sat down and sobbed… and sobbed… and sobbed…

My head hurts.

My heart hurts.

I feel like I can’t breathe.

And I am still crying.

I got this in the mail not too long ago. I normally delete junk mail the moment I recognize it’s junk mail, characterized by numerous "Fwd: Fwd: Fwd" or "Re: Re: Re" or "Lovely love story" or "Sad true story"… it’s just not worth my time clicking on it. Other pieces of mail with more interesting titles, however, or things forwarded by people who have a history of forwarding interesting mails that are actually worth my time, such as say, Tracie, I keep for a while in my inbox until a day when I’m free and I can actually read them.

The moment I opened this email, titled "Fw: PLEEASE READ!!!! It was on the news! ASAP, I regretted it immediately.

This was on the 9:00 o’clock news the other night and this works

THIS TOOK TWO PAGES OF THE TUESDAY USA TODAY - IT IS FOR REAL 

Subject: PLEEEEEEASE READ!!!! it was on the news! 

This thing is for real. Rest assured AOL and Intel will follow through with their promises for fear of facing a multimillion-dollar class action suit similar to the one filed by PepsiCo against General Electric not too long ago. 

Dear Friends; Please do not take this for a junk letter. Bill Gates sharing his fortune. If you ignore this, You will repent later. Microsoft and AOL are now the largest Internet companies and in an effort to make sure that Internet Explorer remains the most widely used program, Microsoft and AOL are running an e-mail beta test. 

When you forward this e-mail to friends, Microsoft can and will track it ( If you are a Microsoft Windows user) ?For a two weeks time period. 

For every person that you forward this e-mail to, Microsoft will pay you $245.00 For every person that you sent it to that forwards it on, Microsoft will pay you $243.00 and ! for every third person that receives it, You will be paid $241.00. Within two weeks, Microsoft will contact you for your address and then send you a check. 

Regards. Charles S Bailey General Manager Field Operations 

1-800-842-2332 Ext. 1085 or 904-1085 or RNX 

292-1085 Charles_Bailey@csx.com Charles_bailey@csx.com

I thought this was a scam myself, But two weeks after receiving this e-mail and forwarding it on. Microsoft contacted me for my address and within days, I receive a check for $24,800.00. You need to respond before the beta testing is over. If anyone can afford this, Bill gates is the man. 

It’s all marketing expense to him. Please forward this to as many people as possible. You are bound to get at least $10,000.00. We’re not going to help them out with their e-mail beta test without getting a little something for our time. My brother’s girlfriend got in on this a few months ago. When I went to visit him for the Baylor /UT game. She showed me her check. It was for the sum of $4,324.44 and was stamped "Paid in full" 

Like I said before, I know the law, and this is for real. 

Intel and AOL are now discussing a merger which would make them the largest Internet company and in an effort make sure that AOL remains the most widely used program, Intel and AOL are running an e-mail beta test. 

When you forward this e-mail to friends, Intel can and will track it ( if you are a Microsoft Windows user) for a two week time period. 

Try it; What have you got to lose!

Ummm. Right. So let me get this straight. You actually expect me to send this to as many people as I know so that in two weeks Microsoft will pay me thousands and thousands of dollars just for forwarding emails? Just for mindlessly sitting in front of my PC and sending useless pieces of junk mail to everyone in my contact list? WOW! Easy money! I wonder why the whole world doesn’t do this! No one would have to work anymore! Bill Gates is giving away his fortune yo! Quit your jobs and stay at home and start forwarding mails to help be a Marketing Executive for Microsoft! Within two weeks, he’ll send you a big fat check cos he’s got a lot of money and wouldn’t mind giving it away.

What astounded me even more is the amount of individuals who actually forwarded this email to other individuals. I saw no less than 250 email addresses on that forwarded piece of junk crap shit mail. And those people forwarding the mail to more people. A basic history of all transactions this email made. The number of people who actually thought Bill Gates would give thousands of dollars away to losers who want to get-rich-quick. It’s like a never ending cycle of stupidity driven by greed.

Try it? I don’t think so. What have I got to lose??? My time, for instance. My own respect for myself, for instance. Forward ASAP??? I don’t… think… so.

I wonder how many people tried to email, or worse, call, that Charles Bailey guy listed in the email. Before they realized he’s fake. I truly wonder how many people tried emailing him and demanding for their money. It’s so sad. *shakes head*

Before I conclude this, I’d just like to tell all of you people who FORWARD me messages such as "Friendster is closing down" to stop and get a life. I am not a person you should forward useless emails/messages to. I delete them the moment I see them, and if I see your name appear too many times with junk mail as a subject line, I will soon come to delete every single piece of mail I get from you, sometimes without even seeing beforehand whether it is junk mail or not. Don’t send it unless it’s and interesting story or you have something truly interesting to share.

I’m not interested in something that promises me hundreds of thousands of dollars for doing nothing, not interested in something that asks me to forward emails so I can earn 3 cents for every mail so I can help save some poor little boy suffering from cancer, not interested in something that asks me to make a WISH and send it to 25 people or more if not I’ll die a horrible death and be unlucky in love for ten lifetimes; I’m not interested - not interested - NOT INTERESTED.

Thank you for your kind attention.

Today was a day of zero productivity.

Well, maybe I was a little bit productive. This morning, when I attended my Differential Equations class. I rajinly did the work that the lecturer gave and rajinly did a bit of extra work, and rajinly stayed back about 20 minutes after class to continue doing work.

After that, however, was a totally different story. I went to the AUP Office and bumped into Jason. Then we went to the canteen where we bumped into my D.E. lecturer. So the three of us makan and talked until about 1.30 which is when I decided to wander around college aimlessly. Went to the concourse, chatted with Mei Qin, went back to the AUP Office to just walk in and walk out again, went back to the concourse to check on my club’s notice board, went to Student Affairs Office to just walk in and walk out again, went to Lecture Hall 2 to check out the Freshie’s Gathering, lepaked around but didn’t join in the games cos I’m like a super-senior in college terms (lol – translated: OLD), then went back to the concourse to check on my board, went back to AUP Office, went back to LH2, etc.

Finally Jason put an end to my mindless wandering by walking me home. Forcing me to walk home, more like. Anyway.

Went back home and just sort of slept. Kinda lounging and lazing around. Read my room mate’s CLEO mag. One thing about me is I just don’t buy magazines? Because I just wait for my friends/room mates to buy them then I get to read them for free, how nice. So I just sorta read it, more like looked at the pictures of stuff I want but can’t afford until Grace messaged me and told me she was in One U shopping with her sister. Made my shopping pangs intensify. Dang. And she bought sweaters. Lagi dang. I heart sweaters. I wanna buy more sweaters!

Then I just fell asleep after reading half the magazine. Around 5pm I woke up and read another quarter of the magazine then fell asleep again. Then finally I woke up at 7 pm when my parents called to say they’re coming to fetch me home in half an hour. So I finished reading the magazine and started packing my stuff. So basically from about 12.30 noon until 7.30 pm I basically did nothing?

My parents finally reached at 8 pm cos of the traffic jam. It’s been raining kittens and puppies in Subang of late. Two mornings ago I woke up at 5 am just because the sound of the rain and wind was so strong and loud. And yesterday it rained like for the whole day. Monsoon season, I guess. Hey, as long as it doesn’t rain when I am walking to class or walking home, I’m fine with it.

Then we went to Las Carritas at Taipan for dinner. Poor brother of mine. Stuck at home because he came home late from school thus couldn’t follow my parents to Subang to fetch me. Nice place. Should check it out, it’s sorta like Chilis setting, but it’s more personalized and the food is slightly tastier in a way, although the portions are a bit smaller for the same price. By the time we were done eating (actually by the time I was done, since my parents waited about 20 minutes for me to finish eating after they were done) it was 10 pm. By the time we got back home, it was 10.45 pm.

When I got home, I played with my bunnies and watched tv (not really watching, more like just looking) and read the newspaper where I came across this article. I don’t even know where to begin to comment on this article. I don’t know where to start. That i) the mother is 15 and actually allowed to take care of her son by herself, ii) that she actually left her one year old son outside by himself while she went into a shop, iii) that she let him hold her bag containing her IC and his birth certificate, or iv) that she let him do that AND let him stay outside by himself?!?

First of all, if you’re 15 you are hardly mature enough to mother a one year old baby. You should hand over your child to someone more competent, with resources, and the maturity to handle parenthood. It’s selfish. To deprive your child of the opportunity to learn well and grow well if you insist on caring for him when obviously you cannot! This is such nonsense. At 15, you’re still a kid yourself. How on earth can you be a good mother? How on earth are you going to provide even the basic necessities for your baby? Why exactly do teen pregnancies happen? Other than improved sex education in schools, they should start teaching ways to practice self control (they can incorporate this subject into Moral Studies a.k.a. The Most Useless Subject On Earth – how does memorizing a few dozen nilai murni’s make you a moral person? I’m not against the subject but they seriously need to rethink how they’re teaching it). And even if there is no self control because teenagers are naturally horny (???), schools should drill over and over again into student’s heads the methods of contraception. But do Malaysia’s schools do this? No. My form 3 teacher referred to the male sexual organ as “kayu balak” and showed us the transparency for all of 5 seconds then removed it. Maybe instead of “Tak Nak” campaigns for smoking they should  advertise what condoms are for. And what happens to you when you don’t use them.

Second of all, how does someone leave a one year old baby outside by himself? Just, how do you do it? You just tell him, ok, kwai kwai ah, stay here and wait for me ah, I’ll be right back. Then leave. Smart.

Third of all, how does someone leave a HANDBAG with the baby? Then leave that baby outside by himself? For 15 minutes? How??? Tell me, HOW??? How does someone do a thing like that. Just tell me how.

I try to understand, but I just can’t. It sickens me to read this story. I pity that baby. He’s a cute lil guy. I hope and pray that he didn’t fall into bad hands. I hope and pray that he’ll be fine, whether or not he is found again. I don’t even want to think about the worst case scenario. I just really really really hope he will be ok in the end.

Alright then. After reading the newspaper I went upstairs and basically did nothing until current time – 2.30 am. That marks 14 hours of zero productivity. I am so ashamed of myself. I have a D.E. test this Tuesday and seeing as how I have given all my integration methods back to my Cal II lecturer, is not looking too optimistic for me. Furthermore I have to write my last two uni application essays. And I have a slew of other things that I haven’t done that I really have to start doing.

I am such. A. Lazy. Pig.

I have new baby bunnies.

I got them on Friday evening at a pet store. I actually named one Snowball, and the other Brownball.

Snowbell. I assume Snowbell’s a female but I don’t know for sure.

Peter Brownball is assumed to be male. He likes to lick everything. Whenever I hold him in my hands he licks my fingers and it feels quite nice ;o)

Then on Saturday evening I went to Malacca.

Spent a night over at Alex’s place, at his invitation. We went to Jonker Street that night, together with some of his friends. I bought quite a lot of junk. I nearly bought earrings. These cheap earring sales are quite going out of hand. I saw the sign, 1 for RM4.00, 3 for RM10.00, 8 for RM20.00 at this shop that was literally wallpapered in earrings.

Thinking whether… to buy or not to buy. And I didn’t buy any. The displays were amazing and very eye-catching (which I guess makes it tempting?) but when you look closely there’s really nothing very nice about any of the earrings there.

It is so crowded at Jonker Street, and there’s definitely a lot to look at, but after you walk the stretch of road you notice that every 10 stalls you pass, you’ll get a repetition of those stalls again. Other than stuff to see… there’s stuff to eat! Cendol, especially. You can’t go to Jonker without trying cendol. With liberal amount of santan and gula melaka… shaved ice… yummm. But the problem is, there are so many stalls selling cendol you get kinda confused as to which stall to go to for cendol. Hence, you’d be better off having a Malaccan as your "tour guide".

Then there’s the dilemma of what food to buy? What dodol? What flavor? You can’t buy all of them. At least, I couldn’t. Limited budget. He he. I stood for a verrrrrrrrrry long time thinking whether to buy a pandan flavored molasses sweet or sour plum flavored one.

In the end I went with the sour plum one. And it’s worth it I tell you! Really delicious. Better look for this stall selling molasses sweets if you go to Jonker.

After that we went home and I took a bath and chatted with Alex, Aaron, and the rest of their housemates until 2 am when Ian came over in his SLK* and fetched Alex, Aaron, May, and I to this beach, Pantai Kundur, and I was only dressed in a huge t-shirt and shorts because I was expecting it to be warm… cozy… light breeze… erm. Yeah. It was freezing cold. I fell asleep in the car and when we reached I got down and like a hero went near to the seashore, where the waves were lapping furiously and the wind was not romantically and idyllically sepoi-sepoi but rather it was ganas-ganas/kencang-kencang/sejuk-gila-babi until I couldn’t stand it and nearly went back into the car but then Ian lent me his jacket so I managed to survive the beach for another half an hour.

We reached home at 4 am and immediately just collapsed into bed and slept. Erm. I think except Ian. The superhero went out again for yamcha. *stunned* Keeping in mind earlier in the day he had just driven all of us from KL to Malacca and had not rested or slept since… hmmm. I guess some people just don’t need sleep huh.

The next day Alex had an archery competition, and Alex’s girlfriend Adelene joined us after his archery competition. Then we all went for lunch at this pork intestine soup place… it was alright, not very special or delicious, I personally felt the soup was too salty. I think that pork soup is most tasty when boiled with pepper… Anyway, we had a good full meal. Then we went to Taman Rama-Rama, where I saw more non-butterflies than I saw butterflies.

Because of friendster’s dumb photo-limiting function, I have to collage all these pictures. But they look kinda nice collaged, yeah? ;o)

We made a quick stop at Tan Kim Hock, to buy the obligatory go-to-Melaka-must-buy-dodol and bought some delicacies there. (When I got home I found that the dodol that I had bought was mouldy!!! And it wasn’t even near the expiry date yet!!! What a rip off!!! I want my $$$ back, Tan Kim Hock! You bugger!). Then after that we went to the Christ Church area where there’s a beautiful fountain, beautiful flowers, and lovely photography opportunities. Then we went to the St. Francis Xavier Church to attend the evening 5.30 Chinese mass because we didn’t attend the English mass in the morning. Adelene came with us, and was so so so sweet about it. Personally I wasn’t too crazy about attending mass at 5.30 in the sweltering heat of Malacca and some more it was a Mandarin mass… I could understand perhaps half of what the priest was saying… at the very most. Felt so bad. I mean, for not understanding.

After that we went to the Capitol Satay restaurant to eat satay celup for dinner… it’s like a steamboat setting, with lok-lok on satay sticks but the only difference is you dip it in boiling satay sauce than normal soup. The line was so so so… so… so… long. We had to wait and wait. And many people lined up until outside the store, to the other stores, on the road… WOW. And it was delicious! Alex treated Adelene and I to the dinner… thanks Alex!

After that we went back to Alex’s house and I took a bath then at 9.30 pm we went to Melaka Sentral Station which is really quite nice for a bus station, very bright, modern, clean, and efficient; to catch my bus back to Kajang. I nearly fell asleep on that bus. No wait - I did fall asleep. If my dad hadn’t called me to ask me where I was, just as the bus was approaching Bangi, I would probably have slept right through Kajang and gone all the way to Alor Setar or something.

All in all, it was a fantastic and wonderful trip. I had lots of fun! Thanks to Adelene and Alex who made Sunday absolutely great for me :o)

Next time if you all come to Subang… I… uhhh… I… uh. Heh.

I bring you guys to play pool/yamcha. That’s all SS15 has, anyway!!! :op

*Small Little Kancil